Get Down Girl, Go Hey, Get Down - My ultimate night out playlist

You're about to go and paint the town red, tonight is the night you all look forward to and you've bought an outfit especially. Everyone's gathered at a friends house getting ready, fighting over the mirror and sharing make-up and jewelry to help each other look as hot as possible. Pre-drinks anyone?
[2 Glasses Red Wine]

1. Beyonce - Freakum Dress
2. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
3. Jay Z - 99 Problems

Tonight is our £10 night. We gather at a friends house, with nothing more than £10 and a packet of Marlboro or Vogues in our bags for the entire night. Our aim is simple, when our £10 gone, it's gone, and we have to find other means of getting drinks down our lightly perfumed necks.

4. The Streets - Fit But You Know It
5. Arctic Monkeys - I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor

We all find our seats and buy our first drinks, usually a cocktail or glass of wine, loosen up, get your coat off and start scanning the room for potential buyers.
[Sex On The Beach Cocktail: Peach Schnapps, Vodka, Orange Juice, Cranberry Juice, Lemon Juice, Ice and an Orange Wedge]

6. T-Spoon - I Wanna Have Sex On The Beach

Sufficiently tipsy, and some morals out of the window, it's time to get up and dance. We're only in a bar, so nothing too dramatic, but there's always a clearing over by the speakers for a bit of movement. The dancefloor is the perfect place to start making a few eyes, make some friends, stop feeling like an outsider in the fun. There's always one 'eyer-upper' that will approach you when you've stopped dancing and there's your first free drink. Stunt number one.
[Jack Daniels and Coke]

7. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
8. Kanye West - Gold Digger
9. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - AKA What a Life

Time for a cig? Standing out the back door, freezing in you 'freakum fress' waiting for your friend to pull out the cigs. Everyone knows the "can I use your lighter" stunt, but it's a no brainer and is a great conversation starter. We've often find that two groups (our and there's) tend to become one for a short while after that, until either you or they get bored and go and find another bar. One things for sure in this case though.... free shots.
[Rule of Three: Jager, Vodka, Peach Schnapps]

10. Colt 45 - Afroman
11. Crazy Town - Butterfly
12. Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing

On to the next bar! Time to get on the Jager Bombs, and there's nothing better for that than Spoons. We know the barmen, we know the bouncers, the drinks are cheap and there's an infinite amount of men to buy you drinks... bring on stunt number three: Hover round the bar area as if you're lost, and when a guy asks, you're looking for your friend who you could have sworn you saw with guy just minutes ago. "She's obviously hooked up with him and left for about half an hour."
This is a pretty smooth shout, because it starts a whole conversation with the guy, which inevitably involves two or three free drinks and an introduction to friends. Genius.
[Tequila Sunrise Cocktail: Tequila, Grenadine Syrup, Orange Juice - x3]

13. Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
14. Destiny's Child - Jumpin' Jumpin'
15. Calvin Harris - Feel So Close

Everyone needs a bit of live music in the night, whether it's a band or just an acoustic guy with his humble guitar, so follow the music to the next bar and get your dance on. There's nothing better than dancing like a hippy with a double Jack Daniels and coke in your hand, to live music. There's always the possibility of catching the band afterwards for drinks - fish bowl anyone?
[Fish Bowl Cocktail: Rasberry Rum, Sprite Remix, Pieces of Candy and a Lemon Wedge.... all thrown into a big bowl with about 5 straws... Get that straw pout going]

16. Young Guns - Bones
17. The Skints - Up Against The Wall
18. Shade of Red - Tragedy of Artists

The last round bell in bars at 1am always call for a rush to the closest bar man to get in the last legit drinks of the night, before braving the night clubs anti-freeze enhanced vodka (flaming, of course). Pretty, bloody drunk staggering towards the bar in what feels like your sexiest walk, chances are your make-up has run and your starting to look like a bit of a panda... but it's fine, in the words of Jenna Marble's "Ha! Jokes on you, 'cause I did it like that!"(just in case the bar man asks or whatever).
But who gives a fuck man?! Strut your stuff like you're Keira fucking Knightley [replace with idol of your choice] and as long as you're sure you're the hottest female in the whole world, no one's going to question your make-up. [Cosmopolitan Cocktail: Vodka, Cointreau, Cranberry Juice, Lime Juice, Lime Rind]

19. Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody
20. Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On

Night clubs. It's always the best way to end the night, since you're just too fucking drunk to care about the shit music that's playing. Popular "dubstep" and sex in the unisex toilets. But this is where the story ends, because chances are before the night clubs close, you will either be carried away by your night in shining armour or by the bouncer after you chundered on his shiney black shoes. Of course it will be all "that" guys fault for buying you drinks to get you drunk. So before that happens, PARTY! [Absolut Sex Cocktail: Absolut Kurant, Midori Melon Liqueur, Cranberry Juice, Sprite... Ectremely Drunk Cocktail: Tequila, Vodka, Jagermeister, Cranberry Juice, Grenadine... Jagermeister Shot]

21. Calvin Harris ft Florence Welch - Sweet Nothing
22. House of Pain - Jump Around
23. DJ Xclusive - Dirty Dubstep (If this link doesn't work, type DJ Xclusive into Grooveshark and it'll come up)

It's the early hours of the morning. You've either puked or dragged yourself home/to your mates house. You're surrounded by at least five people feeling just as drunk, violated and embarrassed as you. This is generally reflected in the music played as you lie sprawled on the floor, discussing the best moments of the night; who laid who, who said what; and what the fuck was that guy on thinking he could just grind up against you?!

Total Spent: £11.50 (That last shot tipped me over the edge)

Songs to mong out to at the end of the night....
24. For those who found someone special... The Lumineers - Ho Hey 
25. ... And for those who didn't... Ben Howard - Keep Your Head Up 

Warning: High Chunder Risk... Always remain in close proximity to a toilet/gutter. Thank you

Peace Out ♥

My Feminist Mystique: Get Laid

After another evening in with my non-gay gay best friend, a bottle of wine and hours of pigging out while complaining about how we're stuck in my village, which has become a fort, surrounded by a moat thanks to the flooding.

I thought about the advise given to me by an article I read on Vice magazine about what a particular female journalist spent her time doing during the New York hurricane. Clue? It wasn't writing, or keeping up to date with the news.

"I own but one piece of equipment that uses disposable batteries (although I am seriously considering getting one of those yipping robot dogs that does back flips because hello, awesome), and that’s my vibrator. So when people told me to “buy batteries” their advice was more important than they would ever imagine. It was pretty hilarious advice to get from my ex-boyfriend, but terrifying to hear from my mother. Everyone was saying to me “Who knows how long you’re going to be stuck inside with no internet and no power, so make sure you have enough batteries to run your giant dildo indefinitely”. Says Vice Columnist Kat George.

So sufficiently drunk, and after my dearest non-gay gay best friend had left to brave the weather, I took to the shower. Sadly, I don't own a giant dildo or a travel sized vibrating bullet, but we all make do.

Is this the way the world works now?! Whenever we're bored, instead of reading a book or watching a good film, we masturbate? When I was signed up be female by genetics in a world where we were equal to men (horaah feminism!) I didn't realize it meant we had now also become men, who were only interested in sex.

Don't get me wrong, when it's required, it's required, and I know I'll eventually own a body-less dick, but at the end of the day, if I have a choice, I'd much rather fuck my boyfriend. Or most other tall attractive guys for that matter. Actual sex is always better, no need to replace the man as soon as we become his equal- give 'em a break, they're proven less intelligent. They don't understand why they're not getting sex anymore.

On the plus side, if you have a really shit night out and don't pull anyone, and your Sure Thing is busy with whatever, you have a back up. A back up to your back-up, that's what wanking is. 

I'm not drowning you in The Feminist Mystique, or converting you back to whenever age dildo's were invented. I'm simply stating a point. 

I prefer sex. If you don't, you're not doing it right; or he isn't, but either way, you gotta get out there. This is MY Feminist Mystique: get laid, because people died so we wouldn't get called sluts anymore. 

So this is where I leave you, after yet another rant which we all know is caused by not being out at bars for the weekend. What can do? I'm not wading though inches of water in my favorite new leather boots to sit in a flooded bar. I'll leave you to your dildo's and/or boyfriends to enjoy this flood fucking any kind of dick, weather it's attached to a body or not. 

Peace Out ♥

Threesomes, yes or no?

I remember the days when the general topic of sex was totally taboo, and the only girls performing in such an act would discuss it in secret while smoking their parents stolen Windsor Blues behind the school 's bike sheds. It was a funny time, when you were either popular and adored by everyone, awkward and unsociable, or that creepy emo kid group talking about Green Day in a dark corner of a shopping centre, ridiculing the shoppers for being "mainstream". They are future hipsters... Actually, they all are, who isn't nowadays?
Whenever sex was bought up, it was about the basics, what we would do, what the fuck is oral sex and, after discovering the answer to the latter, hilarious laughter at the number 69 for the rest of our days.

Fast forwarding a few years of loosing virginity's (not necessarily to boyfriends) and I discover my friend has participated in a threesome with a druggie couple at a festival over the summer as a rebound from her ex-man. So this is the point where we all realize:  SEX IS FUN! It's not something to be ashamed of and just because we're having it doesn't mean that we're going to end up prostitutes on the street, funding our drug habit. Thank you, sex ed teacher for that horrific analogy.

No to threesomes: It's all well and good to feel sexually emancipated as a human and to fuck men and women alike as much as your libido can keep up with- but what about the stigma? Threesomes are for couples who are fed up of each other or a drunken "mistake" at a festival; an organised agreement between a  slutty group of friends, right? Not something us normal people do! Sorry slags, but it's true.

Yes to threesomes: Why the fuck not? We're living in an age of people going to the extreme to be different, to not follow the mainstream- especially in sex. It doesn't need to be awkward; we all know guy's threesome dream is with two girls and girls is two guys, but it's okay to mix it up a bit, try something new. If you're in a relationship then do it to please you boy. If you're single, then do it to please yourself- two guys all over all of you at one time? Why aren't more people doing this? ..... Answer: Because it's too fucking awkward.

So if you haven't already been utterly discussed and ashamed of my sexual adventures (ahem... not mine) the you will when you read the fucking strange circumstances I've endured listening to just for you guys.

Circumstance 1: The Festival Freesome-to-all. "I was at a festival getting high with three boys I'd met there. The four of us went back to the tent and I was getting pretty close to this one guy. Then he asked if his friend could join in (the fourth had passed out by now) so I said okay. It was the best sex I've ever had!" Not surprisingly this girl wont let me tell you her name- but is this what people want when a threesome is suggested? In a smelly tent surrounded by other smelly tents in a muddy field? It's your choice baby.

Circumstance 2: The Ugly, Clean Prostitute. My fellow blogger has admitted that she'd say yes to a threesome if she was in a relationship and the extra girl was a clean prostitute. "I'd cook her a meal, make her feel welcome etc. But she'd have to be uglier than me!" Sounds about right. I'm in (on the circumstance, not her hypothetical threesome, jeez)!

Circumstance 3: Love? Any self-respecting Friends lover will know the story of Phoebe's mum (the one on the beach, not the suicidal crack whore). Phoebe's birth mum, birth dad and foster mum were all lovers, together. Weird huh? But it does happen, like some sort of weird bigamy where the wives love each other as well. Let it be guys, but it is one of my other beautiful threesome circumstances.

As for positions, it really depends how drunk you are. If you're wankered and are planning on having this threesome with two strangers, then chatting about it isn't really an option in between multiple orgasms. In a man's case, just shove it in the spare whole... in a woman's case, take it. It's how the world works.
If you're hiring a prostitute for you and your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, make a night of it, cook a meal and sit there talking dirty as much as possible with out putting one of the other thirds of their dinner, discuss which key is going in what hole... I'm going to be honest and say that if there are two men, I'd say the holes at the opposite ends of the body would prevent awkward ball bashing... but whatever the fuck you're into I guess.
If it's two women, then I'd definitely suggest general objectification of the man, for all you feminists out there.... one on the face, one on the... how does 50 Shades put it? Member? Length? Dick, basically.

I think I've covered about as much on the subject as my human instincts will allow without throwing up.
Enjoy in moderation, wear a condom, drink plenty of wine and most importantly... have fun (?)

Peace Out ♥

Now here's a search I'll be deleting from my history.

There aint nothing wrong with a bit of underage.

Before I go any further, I'd like to mention that I'm refering to underage drinking and "clubbing" (if you insist) not sex. I'm not giving unofficial permission to all those strange teenage boys to go after 14 year olds. Hold your horses, pedophilia is never okay.

Secondly, to the 14 year olds of the world, this message is not for you either, fake ID or no fake ID, you do not look 18 and playing british bulldog in a bar is also never okay. Stick to your houseparties, kiddies.

This post is for all the 17 year olds out there.
You've just started second year of college; you're now thinking about university, getting stressed over exams and resits and endless emounts of homework (jeez, you're never too old for it aparently). You've been given this crucificial cross of pressure to carry every single day from the government - because our generation will be the one's to get the best grades on record, become the most successful businessman, accountants, bankers, chancellors and journalists (I had to add the latter, I ain't no failure) and bring this god-forsaken island out of the recession and in to brand new modern times where everyone dresses like Marty Mcfly and drives around in hover cars and various other examples from the PM's wet dreams of the future (yuck!)

Back to the future, you're going to university soon (or not, whatever), you've gotten your grades and there aint nothing you can do about them, it's time to face the real world, but that's easy, because at least you can look forward to the weekend, when you can meet you mates and go out for one too many cosmopolitans (a favoured cocktail of mine in case anyone wants to know).

Back to the present, LET ME DRINK! In life, you're either lucky, or you're not. You're either born in the term before Christmas (in which case New Years is one hell of an event for you) or you're born in the summer months, when the suns out and is the best time for parties and at least everyone's 18 by then, right? But what about before that?
While friends who have just turned 18 join friends who have already turned 18 and go for casual drinks in Spoons between lessons and when amature gigs and parties become a thing of the past, making way for "the nights out" and the "over 18 events"; Other 'summer babies' and I, sit back and watch... and then listen on Monday morning while they chatter about the venue, the bar, the hot bar tender, the lovely people they met and the guy who bought them drinks all night after they spotted each other in the basic smoking courtyard as my 18 year old friend smoked a menthol Vogue, because she's worth it.

"What did you do this weekend?" ..... "I sat at home with my good friends Ben and Jerry, watching Sex and the City repeats until 2:30am when I, and my lopsided cat, turned in for the night."

Am I sinical? Yes.
Is it because I don't like Sex and the City? No.
But am I jealous that my 18 years (that's 6556.5 days) didn't come sooner than there's? Of course! I sit at home watching Sex and the City, while they're out having sex in the city, are you following?

I can shag who I want, I can drive where I want, and I can bet on me driving to a guys house to get laid.... and yet I can't go out for a drink. Well fuck you. (literally, because I can do that).

Fake ID
So after that cynical rant comes my sollution, I take a leaf from Marty Mcfly's book (the PM would be so proud) and fast forward time... sort of.
You're now talking to an 18 year old, looking back on her very short year of being 17 and pitying the poor bugger.

So here's the overall message. If you want something, get it, because no one's going to get it for you, and don't expect it to appear if you sit around and wait. Common 17 year olds, the worlds about to get fucking scary, so do yourselves a favor and savour these last few months, don't wait, it'll only be a waste of being underage. We were put on the earth to be 18, the number 17 means nothing!
After all, it's not like you're going to do that homework anyway.

*A last little note, if you're reading from America or anywhere else:

• Spoons is short for Wetherspoons, a chain of pubs around the UK.
• Ben and Jerries is an ice cream brand, like Rocky Road, but better (sorry, it's true)
• Term is a semester to you guys, a period between school/college holiday's
• I hope you know what Sex and the City is, if not, watch it. Same goes for Back to the Future, in reference to Marty Mcfly.
• University is college for you. College is your last two years of high school.
• PM refers to our Prime Minister, you can replace that with the God that is Obama.
• Also I'd like to mention that you should change the ages 17 and 18 to 20 and 21 for obvious reasons.

Got it?*

Peace Out <3

Mwahahahahahaa!

I had never celebrated Halloween before last night.
There, I said it, and now you know. I don't know why it's never taken my fancy before, I guess I've never been that into dressing up and scaring people; I guess I'm just too nice (ahem...).

That all changed last night. I was invited to a friends Birthday/Halloween party and everyone was making a tremendous effort with their costumes and extra's so I decided to join in - I would not be the one left drinking the death drink for not looking spooky enough!

Since I'm shite at organizing outfits and fancy dress costumes, I ended up as a very pale, blonde goth with a green sparkly mask. Make no mistake, I was pretty freaky-looking.

Other costumes included Black Swan, Lana Del Brains, Little Dead Riding Hood, a cracked china doll and various other witches, wizards, cats and prime ministers.

So time for scary music, punch with strawberry laces and shots of Raki (a 70% alcoholic drink traditional in Crete- aka, best birthday present from me!) expensive Vogue's in the garden and breaking down Beyonce style in our cold bare feet- now that's how a party should go!

After mummifying two friends with toilet roll in typical Halloween party style, we proceeded to shots of peach schnapps, apple sourz and fish flavoring; gossiping between girls and slut dropping to Azealia Banks, 212 and general photo madness with the makeshift photo booth. It really doesn't get any better than that!

Photo Booth FUN!

A change into boyish pajama's and transforming the dance floor into a bed for everyone, out came the sleeping bags and duvet's and on went Moulin Rouge called for the end of the night at 2am. We all fell asleep on the cold floor, spooning for warmth and avoiding feet from parallel sleepers. True sleepover style.

OUR PARTY THROWER! 

'Till next year!
*Photo's by Ellie Prichard*

Peace Out ♥

Sure Thing.

Definition: (n) To have a male/female friend/acquaintance willing to perform sexual intercourse whenever and where ever it is demanded. Synonym: 'Booty call'.

"Hey Hun, just wondering if you want to come over later? Watch a movie; I've got ice cream and..." Say no more. We've all made this phone call/sent this text at one lonely time or another in our lives, the only catch is that we're not actually asking. We know, whether we're male or female, that the person on the phone is going to agree. That's a Sure Thing, someone who matches your needs and is able and oh so willing to satisfy them. It's a contract. Not always a written or verbally discussed contract, your sure thing can just be that guy/girl who will never say no. Never turn you down.

A Sure Thing is the answer to a long term single lifestyle, consider them to be like a dildo with feelings... and hands. What more could you want? Don't get me wrong, don't stop going out to lay your Sure Thing, because then you may as well be in a relationship with them, but it's worth noting that when you do come back from a night out that maybe didn't go to plan as far as pulling goes, you can always call apon Mr/Miss Sure Thing.

As far as arranging such an arrangement goes, there's always someone you know who perhaps flirts that little too much, someone who you've drunkenly laid before or maybe just someone who's offered once before that you didn't consider at the time but who in times of need starts looking really appealing.

For example, apparently there's a rule for going to Bournemouth University that goes something like "One must sleep with Joe Bloggs" (name withheld, sorry girls) and I thought, that's a brilliant idea! I know him, he's clean, why not make an unofficial arrangement ready for university? A 'sure thing' in time of huge change- are you starting to follow? I'm not saying I jumped on the guy, I might want to change my mind, but at the end of the day, there's no way I'll be able to call apon an old Sure Thing in Cornwall when I'm living Bournemouth without waiting a week for my needs to be met- it's just not logical.

Just because we're single shouldn't mean that we have to become slags whenever we get a tad lonely, where's the fairness in that? I deserve happiness just as much as the grossly cute couple who practically dry hump in public, probably more so since I do not disturb people's eating habits on a daily basis.
Suck it happy couples, I want some lovin' as well!

So get off your high horses, put away your dildo's; you're single, sexy and there is always someone willing to shag you! Get out there, make a new single male friend, and there's your Sure Thing. Let's face it, male friends were never meant to be like your girl friends. There aint nothing wrong with a bit of bump and grind.

* Cue R. Kelly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAXxkNaRkp8 *

Peace Out ♥

'Free' is My New Fave Word

Everyone likes flicking through a magazine and finding discounts on shoes, clothes, long-life vacuum bags, whatever takes your fancy... But what about perfume, wine and other fancy crap for free? That's right people, I have discovered the freebie sites.

Don't get over excited, it's not like they're offering free sex to anyone who joins; but in one day I'd secured myself a delivery of wine, brandy, a McVities mug, four unknown perfume samples, instant coffee and a chocolate hamper! All for free! I realize that most of it sounds somewhat useless. For example, what happens if I end up with four male perfumes? I wrap them up and make it a Christmas present or if I was really stingy, I could make them four different Christmas presents- now that's practically free sex. As for the mug, who wouldn't want a mug with "DUNK TIME" painted on the front like it was made by a Neil Buchanan wannabe?! Even if someone doesn't, they should get it anyway, just because it's free.

A personal favorite of mine is www.all4freeuk.co.uk. List after list of free food, alcohol, perfume, film rental and music (legal of course)... Oh yeah, and mugs! These sites are my absolute fave- who cares if I have to occasionally fill out a Sudoku to win that bottle of expensive French Brandy which might or might not come in 28 days? It doesn't matter, because it's free, and I also got to take part in the ultimate procrastination. It's a win-win situation.

I'm going to take this chance to admit to my shopping addiction. It has devastated my bank account and ruined the hinges on my wardrobe, but nevertheless, it continues. However, shopping for free will at least save my bank account if not my wardrobe or the clutter problem in my house!

(FYI: Just found another website http://www.freebielist.com/free-samples/ - So much free perfume!)

Also, have you ever wanted to be on Come Dine With Me? (quoting the advert that also convinced me) Sign up to dinewiththedevil.com for a FREE recipe hamper and bottle of wine.

If you do not follow my advice and start hunting for free stuff, then you're either stupid or pretentious and far too rich. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a free bubble bath to enjoy, with free coffee in my free mug which has arrived with free biscuits.

Peace out ♥